Sunday, January 21, 2018

Cat Humor

Why do cats have fur balls?
Because they love a good gag!

Fractured Lexicon
Catacomb - beauty salon for felines
Catalyst - cat's inclination after too much catnip
Catatonic - party fare for cats substituting milk for gin
Catechism - manual for turning your doubting tomcat into a true believer
Catsup - dinner party for fat cats (catered, of course)
by Barbara Odabashian, Ph.D. in English and Comparative Literature - Columbia U.


Why do cats like to hear other cats make noise?
Because it's meow-sic to their ears!

What do you call a cat who eats lemons?
A sourpuss!


A cat has paws at the end of its claws;  a comma has pause at the end of its clause.


          Things A Cat Should Always Remember
I will not hide behind the toilet so that I can pat the human on the backside when he sits down just to make him levitate. 
I will not drag dirty socks up from the basement in the middle of the night, deposit them on the bed and yell at the top of my lungs so that my human can admire my "kill."
If I sit in the sink while my human is brushing his teeth, I will not get angry when he spits toothpaste on me.
I will not complain that my butt is wet and that I am thirsty after sitting in my water bowl.
I will not knead my male human's groin at 3 AM with claws extended. It seems to cause him some discomfort and he wakes up all grumpy.
I will not attempt to stop the human's snoring by sticking my paws into his mouth.
I will not use my psychic powers to project myself into my human's dreams when I am hungry, causing her to dream that I am a talking cat, and I can say "Where's my supper!"
I will not run through the house with a condom wrapper in my mouth when my human's grandmother is visiting.
I will not teach the parrot to meow in a loud and raucous manner.
When my young humans are playing with modeling clay, I will not remove solid waste from my litter tray and roll it onto the kitchen floor.
When the humans play darts, I will not leap into the air and attempt to catch them.
I will not display my worm collection on the kitchen floor on a rainy night. My human does not like finding it with her bare feet.
I will not swat my human's head repeatedly when she is on the floor trying to do sit ups.
I will not give the vet a urine or stool sample unless he requests it.
And finally, I will remember that any critter that lives in the house, like hamsters, stays in the house; and any critters that live outside, like frogs and worms, stay outside. I am not allowed to set the hamster free in exchange for finding a frog to put in the fish tank.


Kitty Litter Cake
A fun cake that tastes good!
Ingredients
1 (18 oz.) box spice or German chocolate cake mix
1 (18 oz.) box white cake mix
1 pkg. white sandwich cookies
1 large box vanilla instant pudding mix
12 small tootsie rolls
1 litter box - NEW
1 plastic scoop - NEW
Green food coloring
Clear candy sprinkles

Preparation
Prepare cake mixes and bake according to directions (any size pans). Prepare pudding mix and chill until ready to assemble. Crumble white sandwich cookies in small batches in blender, they tend to stick, so scrape often. Set aside all but about 1/4 cup. To the 1/4 cup cookie crumbs, add a few drops green food coloring and mix using a fork or shake in a jar.
When cakes are cooled to room temperature, crumble into a large bowl. Toss with half the remaining white cookie crumbs and the chilled pudding. You probably won't need all of the pudding, mix with the cake and "feel" it, you don't want it soggy, just moist; gently combine. Put mixture into new & clean litter box.
Put three unwrapped Tootsie rolls in a microwave safe dish and heat until soft and pliable. Shape ends so they are no longer blunt, curving slightly. Repeat with 3 more Tootsie rolls and bury in mixture. Sprinkle the other half of cookie crumbs over top. Scatter the green cookie crumbs and the clear candy sprinkles lightly over the top, this is supposed to look like the chlorophyll in kitty litter. Heat remaining Tootsie Rolls, three at a time in the microwave until almost melted. Scrape them on top of the cake and sprinkle with cookie crumbs.
Place the box on a newspaper and sprinkle a few of the cookie crumbs around. Serve with a new pooper scooper. 

Enjoy!

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